the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
