i was born a porn star she said
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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