I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
