hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's always time for handjobs
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
