Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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