thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
