I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
