you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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