i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
