I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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