Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's rum buckets o'clock
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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