i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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