YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
