You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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