I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
