people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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