god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
