I'd wear matching sweaters with you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
