Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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