the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
