then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
