I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
