Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
