I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
