Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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