are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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