I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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