dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
