Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
