My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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