??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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