I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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