I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
