Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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