fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Mom said you looked used
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
