I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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