Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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