if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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