Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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