someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
