First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just want to make out with him forever
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
