I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
