just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it penis luge time yet?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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