Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
