She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
