you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're too hungover to prance.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
