CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
