I looked at my own cervix.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
