I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
