she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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