if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
FUCK WHALES
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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