I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
