Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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