It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
