Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
