Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
